November 24, 2014

I'm back? (Long post)

After I got back from America, in July 2013, this blog started to die down since its original purpose, to keep my friends and family updated on my life across the globe, had been fulfilled.

In August 2013 I was once again attending my own Danish school/college, this time as a 2nd grader (=junior). 2nd grade is said to be the hardest year at my kind of school since this is the year with the most assignments (I wrote 67 papers that school year) while, of course, we had just as many classes as in 1st grade.
My days were long and the assignments piled up. I slowly got used to that kind of lifestyle with minimum free time and social life. And since I was back in Denmark and nothing exciting really happened, I fell out of blogging. Sort of. I also got a boyfriend that winter. He lived in Sweden. We had been distant friends for 4 years and during my last month in America, we had started talking.

After exams, during summer 2014, I was once again enjoying the carefree lifestyle as I went on summer break and even went to France with my old classmate! (You can read about our awesome adventures here: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5, Day 6, and Day 7).

That life was soon over and I suffered from post traveling syndrome (self-diagnosing ftw!).
I felt chronically bored with my current life. The feeling that I was wasting time hung like a big dark cloud above me and I kept thinking of how useless this all was. "This" being me in a school, majoring in three languages: my mother tongue, English (which I was now fluent in), and Spanish, that I no longer had interest in. I also learned that this kind of school would have been a waste of time if I didn't chose to further my studies in some university, which I never wanted to. I didn't want to go to university. My school (gymnasium) was the highest schooling any of my family members had ever taken so even doing that had been a big thing and I was the first in our family to "go that far". On the other hand, if I chose to follow my original plan, to not go anywhere after the gymnasium, these three years would have been a waste.
I felt insecure about my future. I had so many dreams but my current life wasn't bringing me any closer to them.

As I was dealing with these thoughts, summer ended and we came back to school in August 2014. We were 3rd graders now. We were seniors. We were supposed to go somewhere after this. We were supposed to have our futures all figured out. To have figured out life. We hadn't. I get shivers as I'm writing this. Maybe because it's once again winter and that my room is cold or it could be because, deep down, those two lines scare me. What am I going to do with my life?

Honestly, I was having a hard time. I have always loved school. Always loved English and math. 2nd grade was my last year of having math and I still miss it. I now mastered English and there was nothing new for me to learn. English class had become a drag and instead of getting a larger vocabulary, we were taught English grammar. They taught us all these fine ways to explain why "can, could, may, ought to" are modal-verbs and when it would be grammatically correct to write "if I were a boy" instead of "if I was a boy" although this saying is slowly making its way out of the modern English language and soon won't matter anyways.
I wasn't being challenged anymore.
I was getting tired of school.
The big dark cloud kept telling me that "none of this matter". Why should I keep analyzing stories in English class and feel stressed when I had to write papers on them? What would that matter in real life?

The first two months back in school, I had little energy. We had fever classes now, and still have, and not as many assignments anymore either. But the few we had were extremely important and if we got bad grades on those, they could completely ruin our good averages. I started to fear these. A lot. One is called SRP. I will get back to that one later on.
My mood was horrible. I felt stressed, afraid, and that school didn't matter, all at the same time. I broke up with my boyfriend. Or rather, he broke up with me. That is another story.

When I'm in a bad mood, I sleep. So I slept a lot! When I came home from school, I would do my assignments. Not homework. I hadn't the energy. Then I would sleep. But each night I would wake up 3-4 times from nightmares. They were horrifying. Dark. I was always running, almost always from monsters. And the monsters were all the same; tall, black, distorted "human" figures with long claws. They had no facial features but two deep eye sockets that would glow red in the dark. When they weren't monsters, they were distant friends or strangers. They tried to hurt me. They tried to assault me. They tried to kill me. Sometimes it would get so bad that I would wake up from a nightmare and then fall back asleep. Right back into it. These nightly terrors went on for weeks without stop and I was exhausted. When I dream at night, it feels like I haven't slept at all when I wake up. So I wrote them down. The nightmares. All of them. The amount of details that I remembered was unsettling. To lighten my burden, I confided the dreams to an author friend of mine and we both agreed there could be made some killer (sorry for the pun) books out of them.

I was dealing with a bunch of emotions. Not only did the nightmares scare me, school did too. I thought I could escape the hard days with sleep but even in my sleep, my subconsciousness would remind me. My mind was a raging storm and I was a helpless leaf blowing around.

Slowly, as I figured some problems out, things got better. I have my friends to thank for that.
My nightmares stopped (not completely but enough for me to get the needed rest), I started doing my homework again, and I had more energy. I still find the papers meaningless but I try to get them over with as quick as possible so I can forget about them.

I like to say that my life is busy and that that is the reason why I don't do much, but in reality I'm still afraid of the SRP, which will be in December this year. SRP is the biggest assignment you will have to write in my school. You must choose two subjects and write a 20 pages paper about an optional topic. I still haven't figured out my future but no matter what, a good average will only be a plus so for now it is essential for me to write a good paper.
I've been scared out of my mind ever since we started 3rd grade but now I'm calm. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing?

So with all this going on in my life, I've been busy. Not right now. Right now I'm practically just waiting for the SRP. But mentally I've been busy. I've had a little bit of free time here and there and since I really want my beauty blog to get big some day, I figured I should put the most energy into that one. That resulted in me abandoning taking a long break from this, my original, blog and I honestly hadn't put much thought into it before today when my classmate, Pernille, texted me, asking if I could help her make some new years solutions for 2015. I knew I had earlier made posts on this blog regarding my own solutions so I went on here to find them. Soon I found myself reading old post from the sassy, Americanized younger me and it brought a smile on my face. There is no way I can sound as spoiled and funny as the old me but I will try my best to be more active on this blog once again.

I have never been good with words, at least not when spoken. That might as well be my greatest weakness. But I enjoy letting out some of these deep thoughts that I deal with daily.
I shall return soon. Until then, take care!

"Quiet people have the loudest minds"
- Stephen Hawking('s computer)

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